Trouble, Trouble

over the past couple of months, i have had this feeling of dread every time my mother’s number appears on my phone. it’s not because i don’t want to talk to her, in fact i speak with her constantly. i have just had this feeling that she’s going to have bad news about my stepfather. i haven’t said anything to anyone about this. partially because it’s not as if i feel i have a sense about these things and partially because i just thought i was being silly.

and then last week she called to say that they’ve found a polyp (tumor on the paperwork) on his bladder. he’s had cancer before. he beat prostate cancer after months of exhausting radiation and had Basal Cell Carcinoma removed from his ear a year or so ago. and now i am worried that his Get Out Of Jail Free cards are running out. i shouldn’t jump to conclusions. he has to have surgery to remove it and wait for it to be sent to the lab (of all places, The Mayo Clinic). until then, we won’t really know for sure. it could just be benign. but i can’t help worrying. he’s a very important part of our lives and although we’ve definitely had our moments, continues to be an amazing character. he’s 76 (considerably older than my mother) but you would never know it both in his attitude and in his physical appearance. he goes on roller coasters, crawled under our house pre-buying, hikes in the rain forest and has watched Gummo. he knows more than you about cheesy pop music from watching MTV. and when he’s done with that, he can build you cabinets in your garage, knock out walls and rewire your house.

i’m feeling very small. i’ll just keep waiting. surgery date is the 16th. our family is an endangered species. there are only four of us: me, my sister, my mother and stepfather. no grandparents left, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. waiting, waiting, waiting.