The Dangers Of Advice
i’ve been thinking about the dangers of advice. specifically the dangers of advice to those in relationships outside our own. most people consider honesty to be the cornerstone of any deep and meaningful friendship. a crevasse in that idea is the inevitable ‘love on the rocks’ scenario. everyone has had a friend that is in an unsatisfactory relationship, whether it be by their own doing or not. it is a fine line we walk in giving truthful advice versus crossing over into actual tampering, the result of which could be a breakup. or even worse, the friend is turned against us.
so how do you tell the truth? it seems simple, but its really (like all relationships) complex. i don’t have the answer. i just follow my instinct which on occasions has been to tell it like it is and other times to bite my tongue and let the chips fall where they may. i have been burned and relieved in both scenarios. and in the end i suppose i return to my worn out mantra, that everything happens for a reason.
Friday, July 16 5:19 am
An idea: So, I was a Resident Advisor in college and got lots of training in reflective listening. If you’re not familiar with it, the idea is that you don’t give advice at all, but rather allow people to come to conclusions on their own by just getting them to talk. They say, “I had a bad day yesterday,” and you say, “you had a bad day yesterday?” and so on. It actually works — also, people will value you as a good listener, won’t be able to blame you if their conclusion turns out to be incorrect, and will be much happier with a conclusion they reasoned out themselves than one they were told by someone else. Sometimes the best advice can seem unwelcome or judgemental if you’re not there yet in your own head. Reflective listening can get them there. So yeah, that’s my two cents. I hope your friend is happy in the end.
Friday, July 16 11:58 am
I’d like to think my husband is a reflective listener, but half the time I don’t think he’s listening at all. I tend to be on the excitable side, whereas he is extremely mellow. If ever I do ask for his advice, it’s generally when I’m in minor crisis management mode. His first response to my “what should I do?” question is often “Panic!” followed by “wait, you’re already doing that”. Such a smartass.
Friday, July 16 12:59 pm
ahh so there is a proper name for it. i do a fair bit of reflective listening. my post was actually not about anyone i particular, more just about the situation as observed from others going through it. that’s good advice though
(as opposed to reflective listening?) LOL!