Starbody

Here’s the problem: there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I can’t seem to focus on one for any length of time. The result is a sort of paralysis about sifting through all of the things that appear as one overwhelming mass of tasks, commitments, obligations, anxiety, emotions, worries, etc. I’m in a place I find myself in often, where I know the choice should be to make some changes and move forward and yet I don’t know how.

It all started while watching a documentary called Sketches of Frank Gehry, about the architect and the process behind his work. There were things he talked about that resonated with me and at the same time made me really sad. I could very heavily relate to a specific scene in which he discusses a couple of different themes. One, he speaks about that terrifying moment when you are staring at a blank page (whether it be a notebook page, a blank canvas, whatever) and wondering whether you’ll be able to do it. Wondering if anything will come out that’s worth anything. The fear that nothing will come. And then you begin, and it just sort of happens and so much more easily than you thought it would. There’s a sense of relief and also enjoyment of the process. The second idea he spoke about is the difficulty in accepting yourself as a creative person. He talks about not calling himself an architect, feeling like he was just pretending to be one. I’ve had this conversation with Brian Bowe before. It’s difficult to think of yourself as an artist, a writer. For me, those labels seem unachievable and far off.

And so, after seeing this film, I really felt as though I didn’t follow through. That I could have made my life a creative one and have wasted so much time becoming something I thought I wanted, but ultimately didn’t. I can obsess over excuses, reasons why but ultimately those don’t matter. What matters is what I do now to move forward. But, how? I have a tendency to put off the “doing” part of it all by thinking that there are superficial things that I need to create the environment to begin. If I clean my desk. If I bought a new notebook. If I had a new computer. If I had a space of my own. How real is any of that? How much is just procrastination to start? How much related to what Gehry spoke of as being afraid that there won’t be anything there? Is it just a matter of not being afraid anymore, of not worrying what the end product will be and just enjoying the “doing” just for the sake of just that, doing it? After seeing Raymond Carver’s wife MaryAnne Burke-Carver read at Third Place Books last year, I was inspired to just begin writing everyday. Mark once told me that it didn’t matter what I wrote, or who saw it. It mattered that I did it every single day regardless of what happened to those words.

So, how do I stop being afraid? When will I find the strength to surround myself with inspiration (instead of tamping creativity down with misguided purchases) and act on that? To live like I want to be inspired every single day. I suppose if I had the answer to that question I might not be typing this right now.

What do I need to do?

I need to stop believing that I am the sum of my current job/accidental career.
I need to stop buying meaningless things that just clutters our life with randomness.
I need to stop worrying about time.

That was not a list of what to do, but a list of what I need to stop doing. What do I need to DO?

Eliminate the random noise around everyday and replacing that precious time with things that inspire.
Create my own space.
Unplug a bit every now and then to connect on a different level.
Enjoy the moments we have now and quit worrying about the past. Because the present will be the past someday.
Make time to write everyday and to let myself create things without any thought of the outcome.
Take better care of myself, the same way I take care of my family.

Off to start the doing.