i feel as though …

… i sometimes live among ghosts. ghosts of the people who are no longer here, but still haunt my dreams. my mother thinks that i am morbid. other people might think i need therapy. why is it that people’s first reaction is to exercise grief? why can’t it just be what it is. it will pass.

or perhaps this is because it did not pass. i constantly have dreams about her. she is a main actress in my cast of dream characters that is consistent. sometimes playing the starring role, sometimes playing a bit part. but always the same. she is always going somewhere, or i am supposed to meet her somewhere and i can never make it happen. or i know she’s dying and that we only have so much time, but i lose her in the crowd. always unnattainable, even in dreams. her death was life changing for me. even more so than my father’s. perhaps because his death came before i was anything but a daughter, a child. her death came after we formed our personalities, started to build our lives and shared our secrets. and now, it as if they are locked away in a chest that can never be reopened … because it takes two keys simultaneously turned to open it.

you have opportunities throughout your life to create profound relationships. but relationships that can truly know the truth of your existence and the way you were formed require time and at some point in one’s life, that time has passed. and that for me, is difficult to accept.