Babies
you know the girls who fantasize about getting married? the ones with Honeymoon-Barbie? who have always wanted to have children, raise a family? the girl who had names picked for her children and dreamed about a baby? i was never that girl. i knew her. i knew lots of them. she was everywhere from wholesome girls in high school to the less than virginal girls at the bar waiting for last call. but still i have never been that girl.
and now we come to the point in our life where decisions need to be made. or at least where thoughts need to be … well … thought.
our friends tell us that we should have children. they tell us we would be great parents. and though my ego wants to be flattered, the other side of me thinks they have all joined the same cult. that perhaps they bought into the whole (children are such a miracle) idea and then, when they realized the truth (children are the spawn of satan) it was too late and now all they have left is the recruitment of others. i know this isn’t really true. not really.
but i can’t help thinking about it.
because i’ve been wrong about other things. i never wanted to get married. i didn’t see the point and i also abhorred the ideals of traditional marriages. and now here i am, one full year of marriage under my belt. it hasn’t always been easy, but nothing really worth doing is. so maybe i’m wrong. just because we don’t have the urge to procreate doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be good at it, or that it might change our lives. or that we do miss it, we just didn’t know it.
or not.
Friday, October 15 6:06 am
If you’re even thinking about having kids, please please please read “Misconceptions” by Naomi Wolf. It’s incredible, about the birthing industry in the States. Before I read it, I knew I wanted to have kids, but didn’t want to be the birth mother (it’s nice to be one half of a lesbian couple and have choices like this) because I didn’t think it would be worth the pain. After reading it, I wanted nothing more than to give birth, and I’d decided to go with a natural childbirth. It was a huge turnaround for me. I really hope you read it — hell, your husband should read it too!
Friday, October 15 7:04 am
Somehow I thought the second dog would be enough….
Friday, October 15 7:13 am
thanks for the recommendation Ari! i will definitely check it out. so Shira gets to do the dirty work huh?
the funny thing about the second dog, my mom saw it as the end of her grandparental possibilities! but the truth is that Primo really wanted a doggy pal.
Friday, October 15 9:35 pm
right after you get married and also after you buy a house together, the “it’s time to have a baby” posse automatically forms. resist the urge to shoot them. remember, even though they are possessed by a need to see you procreate, they are still your family and friends.
Sunday, October 17 6:03 am
should you choose to do so, it is totally life changing, amazing, frightening, frustrating, fantastic and rewarding. you find out the real limits of human endurance - phsyical, mental, emotional. now i’m a mother i can’t speak for the other side of the coin - ie. those who choose not have children - but personally, i don’t regret it for a second. yeah, i miss my old life of freedom and nil responsibility, but life needs to change and evolve sometime….
Monday, October 18 2:51 pm
sometimes i really want to have kids, even though i don’t particularily want to be in a relationship right now. then other times i’m so happy i get to be the cool aunt, and feed my babies candy and make them punk rock clothes and then GO HOME. where things are sharp and dangerous and stinky. i love my friend’s kids, but sometimes that whole going home alone thing is hard to beat.
Tuesday, October 19 9:35 am
It doesn’t work for everyone, but I did everything all out of order. Broke up with the bio-dad before I found out I was pregnant, after finding out I was pregnant was even happier I’d broken up with bio-dad, bought house on my own, had beautiful baby boy, dressed him in punk rock clothes, fell in love with old friend and then got married. It hasn’t been at all easy, but I can’t imagine having done it any other way.
Tuesday, October 19 9:47 am
Sharyn, you are my mom-idol.
Tuesday, October 19 5:42 pm
Ha, I don’t know that I should be! I’m kind of a big freak
Monday, November 8 5:31 pm
And that Little Man is one awesome kid, too.
Starbody, too many people have kids just because it’s the next thing to do. It’s hard to decide, because these days our adult lives are just getting started as our fertility declines, and we feel the pressure to decide now before it is “too late.” But if you think that you might want a kid after it’s too late to procreate, ask yourself if you’d be happy doing foster care or parenting in some other, non-biological way. If so, then give yourself all the permission in the world to wait as long as you want.
Tuesday, November 9 10:41 am
thanks Tina! you know for some reason even i myself was adopted and i always thought i’d do the same, i’ve developed this thing for the idea of a bio-baby just because i missed that part. it doesn’t make sense because i don’t know what ‘part’ i mean.