Adult Angst

It’s getting hard to type on this keyboard. Why, you ask? Because Dooz has plucked no less than seven different keys off. I’ve replaced them, but things still seem a bit askew. But, I digress.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about our trip to Detroit this December. Although I’m looking forward to seeing our family (all of Mark’s family live in the general area) I can’t help but feel anxious about the trip. And, it would seem absolutely normal to worry about the plane trip with a 19 month old child, but it’s really not that. It’s more about a condition I typically become afflicted with after a couple of days … something I refer to as the “homesies” whereabouts I have an uncontrollable urge to get on a plane (no matter the cost) and fly directly home back to my safe little family nest. It seems totally unreasonable. We are, after all, seeing family and friends yet I can’t help it. It comes down to the fact that I associate the Detroit area with unhappiness.

The time I spent in Hamtramck was a very dark period in my life. At the time my entire life was centered around self-destruction, living in a strange underworld that seemingly existed only at night. The days were hazy and forgettable. Drinking too much, staying out all hours and essentially just wasting time. It was a directionless time in my life and though I don’t regret any of it, really seems now like a blank space. What really set off the downward spiral was my childhood best friend dying after a long battle with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

And now, years later I still can’t seem to escape the return to that time whenever I drive up I-75.

I hope that things will be different as we return for the first time with D. I’m trying to focus on the things we want to show him, to make sure that his routine is preserved and watching him spend quality time with his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. I am looking forward to spending time with my in-laws because I really do like them (lucky huh?). I’m looking forward to an opportunity to change what it means to return to the Detroit area. To be continued …